Original Title: History Of The Spork Pt. 1
As Written By Reno L. Gateman
The history of the Spork is as follows:
The first known spork was actually carved from the claw of the mighty hawk - like Sporkafalcon. Shortly after the great catastrophe known as the Shoe Event Horizon, which struck the planet known as Frogstar World B, a terrible device known as the Total Perspective Vortex was placed there. The Vortex shows it's victim exactly how significant he or she is in the universe, effectively destroying his or her mind. With that in mind, it was declared that the only people who would walk on the surface of the planet were the intended victims of the Vortex.
As a result, those native to the planet with the right genetic defect effectively evolved into humano-bird creatures, the Sporkafalcon being the most intelligent and advanced, it was naturally the most sought-after prey of the lesser species. It was, however, extremely rare and therefore totally unheard of for one to be captured.
Then one day, a young man was walking to the Vortex, being led by the disembodied voice who has the job of leading victims to their doom, when he caught sight of one. The mighty Sporkafalcon found that it was intrigued by this particular man for some totally unfathomable reason, and therefore decided to investigate further.
As the young man walked, he learned about the terrible stupid catastrophe of the planet from the voice. He then proceeded to introduce himself. The voice was shocked to learn that he was talking to Mr. Forkifeller McSpooniker, the programming genius behind the Galactically famous Minisculessiticon Accounting Program. It so turned out that the government his native planet, Ginantonnix, was indeed stupid enough to purchase it for use in their Planetary Revenue Offices, despite all of it's limitations. The biggest being the required Operating System. It would ONLY run on Windows 95, an operating system that is found nowhere in the galaxy, with one exception. That exception is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet orbiting a small unregarded yellow sun off in the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral Arm of the Galaxy called Earth. To be perfectly honest, no one wants to go there for the sole purpose of buying a computer program, so the government decided the only sane course of action was to throw him into the Vortex.
By the time he was through telling his sad, sad tale, they reached the building that housed the Vortex. History records that he paused briefly, took a deep breath, made a holy gesture to the entity he believes in, closed his eyes, and stepped into the chamber. The voice and the Sporkafalcon both cringed in anticipation of the blood-curdling scream. It never came.
After the timer dinged, he did not flop out face first like every other victim. Forkifeller actually stepped out. The first words out of his mouth were "Wirloo! That was awesome!" The voice and the bird were too stunned to react. The bird got his bearings back first and decided to savagely attack young Forkifeller.
He promptly threw a shoe at the bird and ran. Eventually he stumbled across a building in which to hide. He also found a Kill-Em-Good gun just lying there in the dust. When the bird came it discovered the hard way it was no longer a match for Forkifeller. Turned out the best it could do was be killed pretty good and then turned into lunch.
The talon of a Sporkafalcon is a unique and beautiful site to behold. It is totally immobile from the knee down. Those who have actually seen one consider its metallic silvery color beauty in itself. The palm is most like a shallow ovalish bowl, and instead of claws, it has 4 stubby finger-like appendages that are about one eighth of the length of the whole palm which are in the center of the whole mess. How it developed such talons or even what use they actually have baffles the greatest scientific minds in the universe. Current theory, however, is that they remove any temptation to walk or stand on the planet's surface.
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