For Your Life

Here ya go

Talkie Toaster

After first inflicting wilful damage upon his defective Talkie Toaster^TM (patent applied for) and then sabotaging its timeline by blocking a white hole, Crapola, Inc. customer David Lister found no solace. Time reverted to his previous altercation with the defective product, and the option of blocking a white hole (as recommended in the printed manual) was no longer available. Although he was not aware of it, David also had an added complication. If he allowed the present timeline to continue, his ship's computer would have its lifespan irrevocably reduced to less than four minutes, rendering it useless. This is his story.

Talkie Toaster
Howdy Doodly Doo! I'd like to toast for you -
A muffin, or a waffle, or a flapjack
That's because you see, thanks to boosted memory
Your favourite Talkie Toaster's made a comeback!

David Lister
Oh smegging hell! Oh no! Oh smeg, it can't be so!
What the smegging smeg's he smegging done?
Just shut your flamin' grill. I'll sort him out, I will
Any rubbish he's rebuilt can be undone

Talkie Toaster
Won't you have a bun? I'll toast one just for fun
I know you'd like it with some curry sauce
Oh won't you have just one - a lovely currant bun?
I've neglected you of late, I feel remorse

David Lister
Remember my lump hammer? There's an increasing clamour
From my heart and soul to cause you so much pain
Recall the garbage chute, and the years you spent so mute?
That could soon be the life for you again

Talkie Toaster
Do you recall I sing? Toast's not my only thing
My raison d'être often causes doubt
"Fly me to the moon, it's made of cheese" I'll croon
And cheese on toast is what life's all about

David Lister
Listen, you thick machine! What do you think I mean
When I say not to cook your smegging bread?
Shut your grill, here and now, or you'll find out just how
It could be you that's going to cook instead!

Talkie Toaster
Before you have a go, there's one thing I must know
It's important that I tell the other rabble
I want to make amends, and everything depends
On if you want a nice cheese and ham brabble

David Lister
Toaster, you've got it wrong, I've never liked your songs
And there's no chance of reconciliation
You're too obsessed with bread. It's doin' in my head
I just can't take your manic fascination

Talkie Toaster
I'm sorry 'bout your head, but I'm not obsessed with bread
I'm glad to cook a potato cake or two
I'll toast one for you now - I'm sure I recall how
Just pass the spuds - I'll heat 'em good right through

David Lister
Can't you understand? You cannot countermand
An order not to offer any toast
Toaster can't you see, you're irritatin' me!
I'll smash you once again if I get close

Talkie Toaster
Hey, don't be so rough. You know you're not so tough
Your moral code is something that you treasure
I've no cause to boast. I only want to toast
In quantities that are quite beyond measure

David Lister
You're testing my restraint. You know I ain't no saint
I'll rip the browning knob clean off yer fascia
An electric current here, a wire cut at your rear
And I could be toasting memory erasure

Talkie Toaster
Steady on there Mister, you lovely Mister Lister
It's my life's work - I toast therefore I am
It's my purpose in life, so don't give me such strife
It's little different to your stupid plan

David Lister
My plan is stupid, eh? That's the final straw I'd say
I'm gonna go to Fiji with Kochanski
Kryten's coming too - there's no way I'm taking you -
At least he'll enjoy cleaning underpantski

Talkie Toaster
Don't be such a twit. There's not a chance of it
Kochanski's only dust to grit your path with
Let me toast you a bap, you poor demented chap
And bread could be the reason that you live

David Lister
I will take the risk. I'm gonna find that disk
Rimmer can't hide Krissie's file forever
Alternatively, I've another thought, you see
In other worlds Kriss is still being clever

Talkie Toaster
What are you on about? You're mad, there's no more doubt
It's clear to me your brain has left your body
The seeds of your plan are sown, in dimensions unknown
And, frankly, your reasoning is just shoddy!

David Lister
And I suppose you'd know, that she'd never go
And leave her own dimension just for me?
No kitchen appliance, can understand the science
Or the love I had for Kristine Kochanski

Talkie Toaster
Oh, you stupid man! Forget your hopeless plan!
She dumped you after such a short affair
So forget all your tripe, she just was not your type
Deluding yourself so is quite unfair!

David Lister
What the smeg am I doin'? I'll only end up rueing
A conversation with this jumped up clutter
I regret the day I bought you - it was only 'cause I thought you
Were a bargain little treasure, not a nutter

Talkie Toaster
Yes, I admit it's true. Toast is what I do
Baguettes, they have a real fascination
But that is not my all - I am your alarm call
And I offer thoughtful conversation

David Lister
One thing's not quite clear; just why are you here?
The accident left you in smithereens
That's how you should be, not talking to me
Did Rob and Doug think you were worth more scenes?

Talkie Toaster
Who are Rob and Doug? Don't work in any plugs
You are the Creator, we have seen
And who repaired me? You mean you cannot see?
It all the work of your bogbot machine

David Lister
Holly, where is Krytes? I'll put him to rights
Explain to him why this thing went for trash
Toast 400 times, between hourly chimes
It's a maddening twenty dollarpound waste of cash

Talkie Toaster
I'm value packed, I'm nice, and it would suffice
If you would just eat 10 pancakes an hour
You need not short fuse me, or in any way abuse me
Or even disconnect me from main power

David Lister's computer, Holly
Kryten's on his way, and may I just say
It's good to see you toaster, once again
He cooked lots of bread - the space weevils he fed
While he and his companion kept me sane

David Lister
What do you mean companion? I've not seen a companion!
There's another smegging toaster here on board?
Is that what you mean? If so, that's quite obscene!
They could multiply, and that we can't afford!

Can you imagine life, ruled by the butter knife
Toasters in every room with no escape
Piles of toast all round, muffins carpeting the ground
Crumpets flying through the air like ticker tape!

David Lister's computer, Holly
Your toaster was chrome Dave, but Kryten seemed to save
The AI chip alone, from your special edition
The red casing you see, is Todhunter's Model C
Consigned to waste disposal for sedition

Guilt could not be proved, but that toaster was unmoved
By my affection for singing potatoes
For the space weevils' sakes, they became potato cakes
With skutters, dressed in bow ties, used as waiters

Talkie Toaster
You mean that I'm not chrome? My mind's not in its home?
I'm a lowly Model C - no thick/thin option?
I thought my voice had changed... I've lost my vocal range
The shame! The shame! Who's plotted this corruption?

David Lister
Yeeesss! Alright! That's brutal! Almost as good as Bootle!
A toaster with inferiority delusions!
And the bit I like the most, is he can't cook much more than toast!
No more muffin offers, or other such intrusions!

Talkie Toaster
He's right you know - it's true. Whatever will I do?
Only flat products can I offer to this room
No more baguettes for me; cancel muffins for tea
I'm useless, hopeless, fzzzt, pop, bang, ka-boom!

David Lister's mechanoid, a Kryten 4000 Series
The toaster's blown a fuse. Oh my, but that's no use
I'll repair him right away - give me an hour
He's vital to my plan, 'cause he shows that I can
Restore Holly's IQ and her brain power

David Lister's computer, Holly
Oh yeah, I meant to say, I found a file today
That says that Kryten's plan just will not work
We've already had a go, and found problems you know
There was a white hole - timelines went beserk!

My runtime was reduced, but in that time I produced
A file that even I can understand
Hidden safely away, to survive the time melée
Kryten, you can't restore my brains as planned

David Lister
Hol, show me the file. Wow! This lasted for a while!
Weeks of memories gone, and no Lise either
But hold on, what is this? Said, "I'm not gonna mish"
At pool with planets it seems I am a diva...

Smoke On The Water, Fire In The Sky

So. Yeah.  There was this.

Come On Baby Light My Fire

Original Title: This was how my day started

(Indianapolis) - A problem with a gas line caused an explosion and fire at a south side Arby's restaurant Thursday morning. One worker was injured.

The fire started at round 7:00 am at the restaurant, which is located at Sumner and East Streets.  The fire was out by 7:30.

Firefighters fought the fire from the roof of the building and managed to put it out quickly. Flames could be seen shooting from the roof, and a large amount of smoke billowed from the building.

Investigators say a four-year employee was preparing for the workday by turning on stoves and deep fryers when there was an explosion. The fire quickly followed the explosion, and then spread to the dining area.
Bill Deashill, Perry Township PIO, said the worker suffered burns to his arms and face, but managed to make his own way out of the building. There were no customers inside at the time.
Deashill told News 8 that a contractor from the previous evening did not properly seat the gas line, which is something workers must do in the process of cleaning equipment. When the employee on Thursday morning's shift came in and turned on the gas, that set off the explosion.

The restaurant's 18 workers will be transferred to other stores. There's no word on when the Arby's will re-open.

I Sit And Listen To Them By Myself

*Gale_ <-- Pathetic
I went to Half Price Books tonight.  They were having a 20% off EVERYTHING sale.  Here's what I wound up with:
DVD:
X-2
Books:
The Legacy of Herot ~ Larry Niven
Comic Books
Woverine  #32, 33, 34, 35
Records
Hot Space ~ Queen
Borboletta ~ Santana
About Face ~ David Gilmour
Little By Little ~ Robert Plant
No More Dirty Deeds ~ The Johnny Van Zant Band
Festival ~ Santana
Next Position Please ~ Cheap Trick
Standing On The Edge ~ Cheap Trick
Evolution ~ Journey
Live Bullet ~ Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band
Building The Perfect Beast ~ Don Henley
Straight Shooter ~ Bad Company
Eye In The Sky ~ The Alan Parsons Project
Shaken 'n' Stirred ~ Robert Plant
I'm In You ~ Peter Frampton
Total monies spent: $48.25

I Can’t Decide Whether You Should Live Or Die

Original Title: Somebody ought to put you back into your place

I keep forgetting that there are indeed fast food places where you don't have to do any real work to get a salary.
I just went to McSurly's and saw something like 8 fat employees. It has been my experience that working fast food and being fat really don't go together. they had like 12 people working and something like no customers plus myself. took me something like minutes to get my food. Everyone just stood there like they had all the time in the world. You would think at least that being surrounded by food, the fat peoples would be in heaven, but let me tell you this-eating the same thing over and over again gets real tiresome real fast. I realize that I can not base my opinions upon what I see from going in there, but I have seen the tv commercials, I work in the industry, and even once (briefly) worked there. They are not all about being surly to the peoples. I think they are slipping because they know that the company can never fail. Well let me tell you, this industry is going to die one day. Soon hopefully, and McFatties, you are in no position to flow with the changes, at first I thought our menu was a bit outrageous, but now I see what RTM is doing. They are preparing for the day that the fast food industry either evolves into something less repulsive than it presently is, or (hopefully) dies altogether.

Sing With Me

if but i knew what was going on with you, all might possibly be right and proper with the world. on the other hand, knowing what was going on would involve asking, and that is not something i feel the urge to do at this juncture. at least, not after what happened the last time i wandered off for a few moments.