Everybody's Goin' Off The Deep End

I've had several thoughts the last few days that I need to get down in this space.

Problem is, I've been too busy living in a cloud of negativity and resentment the last few days, that I haven't had the bandwidth to actually do it. I'm impressed with myself for having something written every day in March, and I hope to keep this up going forward.

I have been working on my iPod Media Tracker database, which is intentionally frustrating and clunky to use, which I've been enjoying. I've also been reflecting on some of the events in my life around the time I was doing a lot of online socializing.

I am working on excavating my old IM information to see if any of the IRC channels I hung about in are still active, and if so, do any of the old people still persist. 

We're Just Two Lost Souls Swimming In A Fishbowl

Today was a very hard day.

We buried our youngest child this day.

He/She was miscarried sometime around ten weeks as best as we can tell. 

As I said the other day, it is very hard to know that there is a person that you created that you will never get to meet.

Anyway, it was a very small thing. Myself, my wife and her two youngest sisters.  We made a tiny coffin out of some white fabric and a little wooden keepsake box from Hobby Lobby, dug a hole under our youngest sister's tree, said a few words and buried our unborn baby.

 

It is not much, but I feel that we did right by our child.  Given that one of the other "acceptable options" was flushing it down the toilet.

I decided that the baby deserved something better than that, so there we have it.

Dear Child,

I want to let you know that despite the fact that you never got a shot in this big, bad world, you were, and always will be loved.

It hurts to know that we will never get to meet you, never get to teach you, never get to learn from you, never get to play with you, never get to see you grow up, never get to meet your older brother.

There is a very long list of things that begin with "never get to...", but "be loved by your family" will never be on that list.

After we buried you today, I got into the car and the song "Wish You Were Here" had just started. I am not ashamed to say that I cried.  I'm not ashamed to say that I came home and wept for a few minutes because I wish that you were here.

I cannot come up with a good way to end this letter, so...

I have loved you since the day you were conceived. 

-Your Father.

My Shangri-La Beneath The Summer Moon, I Will Return Again

I looked into the mirror tonight after I shaved.  I look like I've lost ten years.  Ten of the most odd, eventful, dull, heartbreaking, extremely joyful, normal, stupid years of my life.

I was thinking...Given the option to go back in time and change one thing, would I do it?  The answer is probably not.

Even though things were stupid there for a while, it looks like it is all starting to shake out and calm down. 

I can only hope.

The year of our Lord 2014 has been extremely rough and extremely joyful.  I'm hoping to top it off with a change in job, but we shall see.  I can but pray.

I Guess I'll Just Keep On Ramblin'

So this is me sitting in Starbucks. 

More than ten years after it opened.

Still coming here.

Still sitting and thinking and listening to people gossip and talk to each other.

Still learning about the Human Condition by being a passive observer.

I sit and think about what it is that brings me to this point in my life. What decisions led to other decisions that led to me sitting here.

I have decided that I need to write.  At least one small thing here every day like I used to be so very good at until about ten years ago.

Even if the things do not make sense.

I am well aware of the fact that no one actually reads this. And I am sort of glad of that fact for now.  Maybe one day I will make the rest of the world aware of the existence of this little corner of the internets, but I do not believe I am ready for that day.  Maybe when I have the last twelve years (at least) of writings and ramblings posted, and all of the photo adventuring posted. And all of the paper writings scanned and put where they need to be.

I really hope that when this tapestry...My tapestry is woven (for better or worse) that it is not a tapestry of a shallow, callous person who is only walking through this existence in a haze and simply using oxygen.

I have recently realized that I genuinely want to be a person who makes a difference somewhere to someone, somehow.

And I realize how ego-centric that sounds.  Although for the first time, I feel like I can apply that particular label to me.  So maybe there is hope?

Anyway, peace out, yo.

I Get Up In The Morning And It's Just Another Day

Recently I was thinking.

Thinking a lot about the things I have seen, done, and allowed myself to be pushed into doing.

But mostly that last part.  Mostly how much that last part has been true for my life.

I sort of allowed myself to be pushed into joining the Army. That was a fun experience that I will not regret.

I had a couple of bad weeks at Arby's one year and someone made a job offer that seemed too good to refuse. I planned to spend a few months at it and go back to full time at Arby's ready to move up and get a good life set up.  Instead I allowed myself to be pushed into a job I neither like or care about.  Then there is the part where my current living situation is sort of prohibitive of moving away from it.  Although that part is changing.

I also allowed myself to be pushed into a living arrangement a few years ago that I...Am just going to leave it at that for now. I am still not quite all together mentally from that.  I was reading back through the past and wondering what had to be done to just feel like Me again.

I feel like I have gotten a pretty decent start on that.  Looking into a career change, one that possibly involves relocating. Which is fine. Reconnecting with some people from years gone by is always nice. I am going to have some fun in a forest with some pretty awesome people next weekend with a camera if all goes as planned, so that will help. 

Worst case I could always go back to Arby's for a while...I guess?

But I have always been of the belief that where jobs are concerned the past is in the past, and each new day brings a different opportunity. I just have to see what window is open as the old door swings shut on the way out.

Peace out, yo.

Watching For Pigs On The Wing

So 2010 is nearing the end of it's run.

I am sitting here listening to Pink Floyd's 1977 album "Animals" and reflecting on that.  I am listening to the record version.  The record player is plugged into a stereo receiver.  The stereo receiver is plugged into my computer which is throwing the sounds out through the speakers that came with the stereo which was, if memory serves, new before I was born.

Sure, the tuner is way out of whack, but the 8-Track player still works.  If you jam a screwdriver in with the tape that is.

What has happened to me this year?  Met my amazing friend who I may or may not ever see again.  Don't know if she reads these or not, but hey, you know.

I got a kitten. She is the devil.

Zagreus sits inside your head
Zagreus lives among the dead
Zagreus sees you in your bed
And eats you when you're sleeping

But times, they are a 'changing. 

My pretty Jeep got trashed on the interstate by some clown whom we shall never know.  That was a not so good thing.  But these things happen.

I have been know to hang out in bars with girls who lay claims to being cage fighters.  I know it to be a mis-truth, but it would seem that patrons of the bars in question were quite thoroughly convinced to the contrary.

I am tired.  I am physically exhausted from working like there is no tomorrow, but being no better off financially then I was three years ago.  The job is going to either change in the winter time in favor of something more local.  Failing that, the job (and possibly the state I call home) is going to change in mid-summer when my lease runs out.  I haven't decided which yet, honestly.  A change is coming though.  Mark my words.

And now for side two.

What else have I done this year?

I've started reading books on a regular basis again.   I read some random paranormal romance novel.  I am ashamed to say.  I have gotten through:
The Adventures of the Stainless Steel Rat -Old favorite.
The Da Vinci Code - Most pointless waste of 600 pages I have yet read.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - Makes marginally more sense than the movie.
Boneshaker - Awesome steam punk zombie book.
Abraham Lincoln:  Vampire Hunter - Amazingly well written for it's premise.
UFOs, JFK and Elvis: Conspiracy Theories You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Believe - Casts an all too intelligent light on these things.

I also bought the complete World Book Encyclopedia set...From 1967 for ten dollars.  But it came with the update books so it's accurate through 1976, so it's all good, right?

What else?

I keep buying notebooks and pens and starting to write things in them.  I've also bought some very old cameras with the intent of taking very nice pictures.  That part has gone rather well.  The writing, not so much.

I have gotten into watching the Battlestar Galactica show.  It is awesome.  Less enthused about Burn Notice this year.  It's just repeating the same old formula with a new character.  Weeds is taking some getting used to, but it's an interesting show.  Castle is amazing.  The Venture Bros. on the other hand is amazing this season.  I can not wait to see what happens next. 

Also Doctor Who.  I never thought I would get into that show, but it is amazingly amazing.

About a year ago someone I was basically told never expect to hear from again showed back up in my life.  That was a pleasant surprise.  I had a nice new friend, then she got crazy, then she left.  Still don't know what to make of that.

I really should be going now though.  I can not wait to hear the verdicts on something that may or may not happen at work on the morrow.

Just remember...Time will tell.  Sooner or later, time will tell.

• Current Location:The place I call home
• Current Mood: exhausted
• Current Music:The Kitteh

Tags:

• 2010,
• lj-galeharpring,
• reflections