The Father, Son And Holy Ghost They Caught The Last Train For The Coast

Original Title: Yet more modern stupidity

Jerusalem Monks Trade Blows in Unholy RowMon Jul 29, 1:54 PM ET
By Megan Goldin
JERUSALEM (Reuters) - The rooftop compound of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre bore scars of conflict on Monday after Egyptian Coptic and Ethiopian monks traded blows over a chair at the traditional site of the crucifixion of Jesus.

About 11 monks were taken to hospital after clerics from the rival sects that jealously share the courtyard on the roof of the Jerusalem shrine threw rocks, metal rods and chairs at each other in the latest chapter of a centuries-old dispute.
For the six Christian sects that jealously guard their rights at the church, enshrined in a 1757 Ottoman "status quo" law, the movement several weeks ago by one denomination of a chair into a spot claimed by another was a declaration of war.
"They are trying to force us out," said an Ethiopian monk, who declined to give his name, about the rival Egyptian Coptic sect, one of whose elderly monks crossed boundaries by moving a chair into the shade at the third century Byzantine church.
The Ethiopians and Egyptian Copts have been warring for more than a century over the roof of the shrine which the Ethiopians call the House of Sultan Solomon because they believe the biblical King Solomon gave it as a gift to the Queen of Sheba. The Ethiopians lost control of the roof during an epidemic in the 19th century which enabled the Copts to take over.
But in 1970, during a brief absence by Coptic priests from a rooftop chapel, the Ethiopian clerics returned and have been squatting there ever since.
An Ethiopian monk huddles in the corner of the chapel day and night to guard the squatters' claim.
The Egyptian monk, who has been living with them on the roof since the 1970 takeover to assert the Copts' rights, decided to move his chair out of the sun during a hot Jerusalem day.
"They (the Ethiopians) teased him," said Father Afrayim, an Egyptian Coptic monk at the next door Coptic monastery. "They poked him and brought some women who came behind him and pinched him," he said. Each side accuses the other of throwing the first blow in the fist-fight and stone throwing that ensued. Police eventually broke up the brawl but by all accounts many of the protagonists were already wounded.
TENSION MOUNTING ON CHRISTIAN SHRINE
At least seven Ethiopian clerics and four Egyptians were hurt in the fracas. The Ethiopians say one monk is still unconscious in hospital and the Egyptian Copts say one of their clerics sustained a broken arm.
Tempers flared a day later on the rooftop which was littered with the remnants of the battle -- rocks and pieces of broken chairs.
One Egyptian monk shouted out catcalls to an Ethiopian cleric and then moved his hand across his throat in a brutal slashing gesture.
"They want to kill us. They don't want us to live here," the Ethiopian monk said in a voice laced with hysteria. "What have we done that God is punishing us like this?"
A few Ethiopian monks sat on a row of chairs placed defiantly next to the Egyptian cleric's seat.
Inside the concrete shacks on the church's roof lay more Ethiopian monks nursing their bruises and worrying about how the impoverished community would cover its ambulance bills. Israel's Religious Affairs Ministry said it would mediate between the sides later in the week to resolve the conflict.

• Current Mood:rad

Just Eat It, Eat It, Eat It, Eat It

Original Title: Gotta love stupid people!!

• Jul. 27th, 2002 at 1:23 AM

IT SEEMS THAT STUPIDITY HAS REACHED A NEW LEVEL!!
Is this actually true???????
NY Man Sues, Claiming Fast Food Ruined His Health
Fri Jul 26, 5:43 PM ET
By Gunna Dickson
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A 5-foot-10-inch, 272-pound man has sued four major fast food chains, claiming their fare contributed to his obesity, heart disease and diabetes, his attorney said on Friday.
The class-action lawsuit, filed in the Bronx Supreme Court on July 24, is seeking undetermined compensatory damages against McDonald's, Wendy's, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Burger King on behalf of 56-year-old maintenance worker Caesar Barber and others.
The lawsuit, which estimates that millions of Americans could be included in the claim, also seeks to have the companies label individual products with fat, salt, cholesterol and other dietary content as well as to warn users of the health effects.
New York attorney Samuel Hirsch, who is representing Barber, said consumers are not getting adequate warning about foods that could cause obesity, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels.
"Fast food chains failed to disclose the contents in terms of calories, fat grams and sodium. Even when posted, the information is not easily understandable to the public," said Hirsch.
A National Restaurant Association executive said the lawsuit "gives frivolous a bad name."
"This lawsuit, which solely makes restaurants responsible for obesity in America, swallows a simplistic notion," said Steven Anderson, president and CEO of the Washington-based association. "It is a blatant attempt to capitalize on the recent news stories on the growing rates of obesity."
LABELS FOR ROCKET SCIENTISTS?
Barber told MSNBC he didn't realize fried food was bad for him until three years ago, and that he had been eating fast food for decades because it was convenient.
"I didn't find out how bad it was until 1999," he said. "I ate a lot because I was by myself."
Hirsch, who accompanied his client on the MSNBC show, said they particularly wanted better labeling for the "real offenders--the Big Macs and Big Whoppers." Now, he said "you have to be a rocket scientist" to be able to read labels that he said were deliberately designed to be confusing.
McDonald's spokesman Walt Riker called the claims "ridiculous," saying: "Our menu features choice and variety with lots of options for consumers."
In Miami, a spokesman for Burger King, which was bought by Texas Pacific group on Thursday, declined to comment as the matter is under litigation, but referred calls to the National Restaurant Association.
"There are 858,000 restaurants and food service outlets in the country serving a variety of food that will meet anyone's specific dietary needs," said the association's Anderson. "The nutritional information usually appears on a chart at the right of the counter and is as easily understood as any nutrition label you would see at the retail store."
"The important thing to remember is that there is a certain amount of personal responsibility we all have... the issues of obesity and nutrition are much more complicated than this and involves factors such as genetics, medical conditions and the level of physical activity," Anderson added.

• Current Mood:rad

Anothe Brick In The Wall Part 3 (Again)

Original Title: History Of The Spork Pt. 3

The man was laughing so hard that he neary collapsed. Those that were in the Shuttlebug with him looked at him with interest. It seemed that the man who had appeared out of nowhere on the bug was also feather plucking insane, but they did not know what he knew. They also did not know about Molecular Relocation devices.
Forkifeller was well aware of the lynch mob forming at the landing pad. He was lucky to have found the Crylilyigian passenger ship just floating in interplanetary space. Computer Navigation, one Molecular Relocation Device, and audio/visual recording equipment are all standard equipment on the passenger vessels. It was, therefore, a simple matter to set the ship on computer navigation, record all of the messages he would need to land, and jump ship. It seems to have happened in just that way too.
Five minutes after the ship landed, there was a recorded instrumental bit, a pre-arranged spotlight cycle began to run, a majestic walkway extended itself, the hatchway opened, and a red carpet unfurled along the walkway. No one took the liberty of appearing though. A full 47.2 seconds went by where everyone in the mob stood there not knowing what to do. Then they stormed the ship.
Once the mob entered the cockpit, the ship was racked with several internal explosions that devastated the ship. Working their way from the hatchway, the explosions eventually made it to the cockpit. Before the end came, however a recorded message from Forkifeller played out, wishing them all good luck, and a better time of it in the next life. The mob was puzzled, until one final massive explosion destroyed the entire ship and everyone in it.
Five minutes after that, Mr. McSpooniker disembarked from the Shuttlebug a few blocks from the government patent office. History shows that after conducting a bit of business there, he went to the office complex of the most famous holovision chef on the planet. Chef Platine, it turns out, was more than willing to endorse the "Spork" as the coolest invention since ice cubes.
Finally, after years of failure and dejection, Forkifeller McSpooniker was a household name. The success of the Spork was just totally unprecedented. After Chef Platine began endorsing the Spork, everyone wanted not one, not two, but entire sets of them! It was insane! Forkifeller himself made billions in the first month.
The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing vast interstellar distances in a mere nothingth of a second, without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace. You merely tell the computer what you want to happen, it then calculates the probability of it happening, and then the drive basically tells space and time to get bent. Which, one might add, it does nicely. Granted there is the added element of unpredictability, such as a planet randomly turning into a giant bananna cream pie or a flock of geese (who then proceed to axphyxiate almost immediatly).

• Current Mood:rad

You Might Get Cold-Cocked

Original Title: Bad Day

ugh. feel terrible. worked from 6:30 am to 7:15 pm. hit my head hard enough to draw blood. bad day. Had planned to write more of Forkifeller McSpooniker's tale, but, alas, no creativity here. heck, i am not all together sure where to pick up at. Thinking something along the lines of this though:
He was laughing so hard that he neary collapsed. Those that were in the Shuttlebug with him looked at him in interest. It seemed that the man who had appeared out of nowhere on the bug was also feather plucking insane, but they also did not know what he knew. They also did not know about Molecular Relocation devices.
Forkifeller was well aware of what was waiting for him at the landing pad, so he set the ship on computer navigation, recorded all of the messages he would need to land, and jumped ship.
How's that for starters?
I will leave you hanging for a bit
mmmmmmm
sleep calls!

• Current Mood:rad

Another Brick In The Wall Part 2

Original Title: History Of The Spork Pt. 2

Needless to say, young Forkifeller was able to kill this one. After many hours of aimless wandering, he was naturally a bit hungry, and seeing as how there will not be a restaurant on the planet for a few billion years more, he just plain out cooked and ate the bird. The details of the next few days are a bit sketchy. History does, however, show that Forkifeller was able to hitch a ride on a passing Knabtsrif freighter vessel. That is not so unlikely though, considering the massive trade route passing through that part of space.
What was unlikely, however, was their encountering a small scout ship floating in space. That would not be so odd, except for the fact that it was totally functional. We do know, that due to a loophole in interstellar salvaging laws, McSpooniker was able to claim the ship and continue the journey on his own. The details of his solo trip are totally and completely non-existent, and it picks up again when he reaches Ginantonnix.

While the small ship was waiting to be granted landing clearance in the 76132nd landing strip of the main spaceport of the planet Ginantonnix, the lynch mob took the liberty of appearing out of nowhere. The beings that the mob consisted of were well aware of that fact that McSpooniker had survived the unsurvivable Vortex, and that he was on his way home. They believed that he was going to do something else that was completely idiotic and stupid. He was, after all, single-handedly responsible for creating a debilitating illness that wiped out 27% of the population of the planet, and rendered another 39% sterile and insane.
There was also the Reverse - Magneto propulsion system he developed for spacecraft. The theory behind that was you feed the coordinates of the planet into the ship's computer, it then figures out the magnetic influx of the planet. The computer then alters the ship's polarity to be the opposite of the planet, thereby pulling it to the planet from any point in the known universe. In practice, however, it reverses the planet's magnetic alignment, and then the shock waves it creates proceed to destroy the afore-mentioned planet. He is also responsible for several major engineering catastrophes. The most famous of which is the Francieanian Pyramid Project.
Young McSpooniker had just had his medical license revoked due to unleashing the debilitating disease upon the unsuspecting planet. Fortunately he had an engineering degree to fall back upon. He started nosing around the solar system, and he soon found a job. The president of the planet Francies wanted to have a new mansion built. After careful examination of the requirements, and a very expensive meeting between himself, President Senate and the planet's most accredited psychiatrist, Forkifeller took the job. He could not figure out why anyone would want a mansion in the form of a pyramid, let alone a string of them.
He hired a group of scraggly creatures from the innermost of the inner city housing projects for several francs below the minimum wage, gave them simple wooden tools, and told them what to do with electric treeble whips. After many a year, the project was completed. On the day the mansion was commemorated, the fireworks ceremony somehow caused a ripple in the space - time continuum. McSpooniker was the only one who noticed though. He fled the planet right after he cashed the check. What he did not realize though, was just how final his finale would be.
He borrowed a bit of plasma from his spaceship's reactor, mixed it with a bit of baking soda, threw some vinegar in for good measure, added a fuse, and called it a firecracker. What happened though, was the tragedy that would distinguish his career as a promising engineer. The firecracker was lit. Once the fuse burned down, it exploded with a force so mighty, that it, combined with the ripple, blew the planet into millions of little fragments. It so turns out, that the asteroid containing the still intact pyramids collided with a nameless planet, whose life forms are so dense, that they claimed all the credit, and then buried their dead monarchs in them before anyone else had the chance to object.

• Current Mood:rad

Hello, I Love You

HELLO, I LOVE YOU Lyrics
Hello, I love you
Won't you tell me your name?
Hello, I love you
Let me jump in your game
Hello, I love you
Won't you tell me your name?
Hello, I love you
Let me jump in your game
She's walking down the street
Blind to every eye she meets
Do you think you'll be the guy
To make the queen of the angels sigh?
Hello, I love you
Won't you tell me your name?
Hello, I love you
Let me jump in your game
Hello, I love you
Won't you tell me your name?
Hello, I love you
Let me jump in your game
She holds her head so high
Like a statue in the sky
Her arms are wicked, and her legs are long
When she moves my brain screams out this song
Sidewalk crouches at her feet
Like a dog that begs for something sweet
Do you hope to make her see, you fool?
Do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel?
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello
I want you
Hello
I need my baby
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello

• Current Mood:rad

Tags:

• 2002,
• dl

Another Brick In The Wall Part 1

Original Title: History Of The Spork Pt. 1

The All-Inclusive If Not Wholly Inaccurate History Of The Spork
As Written By Reno L. Gateman
The history of the Spork is as follows:
The first known spork was actually carved from the claw of the mighty hawk - like Sporkafalcon. Shortly after the great catastrophe known as the Shoe Event Horizon, which struck the planet known as Frogstar World B, a terrible device known as the Total Perspective Vortex was placed there. The Vortex shows it's victim exactly how significant he or she is in the universe, effectively destroying his or her mind. With that in mind, it was declared that the only people who would walk on the surface of the planet were the intended victims of the Vortex.
As a result, those native to the planet with the right genetic defect effectively evolved into humano-bird creatures, the Sporkafalcon being the most intelligent and advanced, it was naturally the most sought-after prey of the lesser species. It was, however, extremely rare and therefore totally unheard of for one to be captured.
Then one day, a young man was walking to the Vortex, being led by the disembodied voice who has the job of leading victims to their doom, when he caught sight of one. The mighty Sporkafalcon found that it was intrigued by this particular man for some totally unfathomable reason, and therefore decided to investigate further.
As the young man walked, he learned about the terrible stupid catastrophe of the planet from the voice. He then proceeded to introduce himself. The voice was shocked to learn that he was talking to Mr. Forkifeller McSpooniker, the programming genius behind the Galactically famous Minisculessiticon Accounting Program. It so turned out that the government his native planet, Ginantonnix, was indeed stupid enough to purchase it for use in their Planetary Revenue Offices, despite all of it's limitations. The biggest being the required Operating System. It would ONLY run on Windows 95, an operating system that is found nowhere in the galaxy, with one exception. That exception is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet orbiting a small unregarded yellow sun off in the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral Arm of the Galaxy called Earth. To be perfectly honest, no one wants to go there for the sole purpose of buying a computer program, so the government decided the only sane course of action was to throw him into the Vortex.
By the time he was through telling his sad, sad tale, they reached the building that housed the Vortex. History records that he paused briefly, took a deep breath, made a holy gesture to the entity he believes in, closed his eyes, and stepped into the chamber. The voice and the Sporkafalcon both cringed in anticipation of the blood-curdling scream. It never came.
After the timer dinged, he did not flop out face first like every other victim. Forkifeller actually stepped out. The first words out of his mouth were "Wirloo! That was awesome!" The voice and the bird were too stunned to react. The bird got his bearings back first and decided to savagely attack young Forkifeller.
He promptly threw a shoe at the bird and ran. Eventually he stumbled across a building in which to hide. He also found a Kill-Em-Good gun just lying there in the dust. When the bird came it discovered the hard way it was no longer a match for Forkifeller. Turned out the best it could do was be killed pretty good and then turned into lunch.
The talon of a Sporkafalcon is a unique and beautiful site to behold. It is totally immobile from the knee down. Those who have actually seen one consider its metallic silvery color beauty in itself. The palm is most like a shallow ovalish bowl, and instead of claws, it has 4 stubby finger-like appendages that are about one eighth of the length of the whole palm which are in the center of the whole mess. How it developed such talons or even what use they actually have baffles the greatest scientific minds in the universe. Current theory, however, is that they remove any temptation to walk or stand on the planet's surface.

• Current Mood:ra

Another Brick In The Wall Part 3

Original Title: History Of The Spork Pt. 3

The man was laughing so hard that he neary collapsed. Those that were in the Shuttlebug with him looked at him with interest. It seemed that the man who had appeared out of nowhere on the bug was also feather plucking insane, but they did not know what he knew. They also did not know about Molecular Relocation devices.
Forkifeller was well aware of the lynch mob forming at the landing pad. He was lucky to have found the Crylilyigian passenger ship just floating in interplanetary space. Computer Navigation, one Molecular Relocation Device, and audio/visual recording equipment are all standard equipment on the passenger vessels. It was, therefore, a simple matter to set the ship on computer navigation, record all of the messages he would need to land, and jump ship. It seems to have happened in just that way too.
Five minutes after the ship landed, there was a recorded instrumental bit, a pre-arranged spotlight cycle began to run, a majestic walkway extended itself, the hatchway opened, and a red carpet unfurled along the walkway. No one took the liberty of appearing though. A full 47.2 seconds went by where everyone in the mob stood there not knowing what to do. Then they stormed the ship.
Once the mob entered the cockpit, the ship was racked with several internal explosions that devastated the ship. Working their way from the hatchway, the explosions eventually made it to the cockpit. Before the end came, however a recorded message from Forkifeller played out, wishing them all good luck, and a better time of it in the next life. The mob was puzzled, until one final massive explosion destroyed the entire ship and everyone in it.
Five minutes after that, Mr. McSpooniker disembarked from the Shuttlebug a few blocks from the government patent office. History shows that after conducting a bit of business there, he went to the office complex of the most famous holovision chef on the planet. Chef Platine, it turns out, was more than willing to endorse the "Spork" as the coolest invention since ice cubes.
Finally, after years of failure and dejection, Forkifeller McSpooniker was a household name. The success of the Spork was just totally unprecedented. After Chef Platine began endorsing the Spork, everyone wanted not one, not two, but entire sets of them! It was insane! Forkifeller himself made billions in the first month.
The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing vast interstellar distances in a mere nothingth of a second, without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace. You merely tell the computer what you want to happen, it then calculates the probability of it happening, and then the drive basically tells space and time to get bent. Which, one might add, it does nicely. Granted there is the added element of unpredictability, such as a planet randomly turning into a giant bananna cream pie or a flock of geese (who then proceed to axphyxiate almost immediatly).

• Current Mood:rad