Original Title: Dilbert Newsletter
Dilbert Newsletter 56.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
July 2004
You can read the ugly-but-practical plain-text version of this
newsletter below, or click this link to see it in all of its majestic HTML
beauty on the web:
http://www.dilbert.com/dnrc56.html
HEADLINES
DNRC UPDATE - The DNRC continues its unstoppable drive toward total
world domination, now boasting 419,000 inexplicably attractive members.
Each one of you is so bright that night falls a full hour later wherever
you live.
NIAGARA FALLS, NY - Stunt man Lucky Hinterman died while attempting to
go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Brother and equipment manager Brent
Hinterman took full responsibility for the tragedy. "I was in charge of
getting the barrel all cushioned and reinforced. But my son had a
soccer game, and in my book, family comes first." When asked if he
considered his brother to be a member of the family, Brent said, "Well, I
suppose that's one way to look at it."
BRENTWOOD, CA - Beautician and self-described "best collector ever"
Betty Blakeslee has the world's largest random collection. "I started out
collecting things that had something in common. You know, Beanie
Babies, porcelain unicorns, that sort of thing. But I realized it was
limiting me. My eureka-moment came when I realized I didn't need to be bound
by the old rules. I could collect any objects whatsoever and put them
all together." Blakeslee's collection boasts a bottle cap, a steering
wheel from a Ford Pinto, and 900 bags of household trash.
EUGENE, OR - Bradley Wilkerson came out of a coma yesterday, only to
realize that he couldn't think of anything worth saying or doing. Five
years ago, never known for his vibrant personality, Wilkerson had been in
a coma for ten days before anyone in his family noticed. "He'd always
been a good listener but I noticed that he kept wearing the same
clothes," said wife Peggy.
Doctors at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion described his coma as
self-induced. "It looked voluntary to us," explained Doctor Spumken. "Sometimes
we see guys who are just trying to beat the system. You know - free
intravenous meals, don't have to work, sponge baths. But we can usually
weed them out with tickling. This guy had a lot of self-control."
SCOTIA, NY - Bank teller and Renaissance man Mark Bunter changed his
political viewpoints yesterday. It's the first known change of opinion by
a person who had previously made up his mind. "I was doing my research
before the election, paying attention to all the informative ads on
television, and suddenly I just changed my mind. It felt good!"
Bunter later changed his mind back to his original views, noting that
he had been right all along. Still, it was a first, and Bunter has been
asked to give inspirational talks to corporations on the subject of
pretending to embrace change.
TANNERSVILLE, NY - Scientists have discovered that your nose DOES grow
when you lie. Head researcher Toby Flemming explained, "You've probably
noticed that people's noses get bigger as they get older. That's
because old people are huge liars. You don't know that they're lying most of
the time because they're so experienced at it." Explained Flemming,
"The typical married male's proboscis grows 15% over his lifetime just
from agreeing with his wife in the hope that it will make her stop
talking."
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
Here are some more true tales of induhviduals, as reported by vigilant
DNRC operatives in the field.
--
A friend of mine took his California girlfriend to the east coast for a
vacation. He took her to see her first sunrise over the ocean. After
watching the view, she said, "That was great. Does it come up EVERY
morning here?"
--
Last weekend, my in-laws visited and brought some "20% off" coupons for
the local Do-It-Yourself warehouse. We need new flooring for our
kitchen, so my mother-in-law said we could take two coupons and get 40% off.
When I suggested we take six and get paid to take the flooring away, I
was told not to be silly.
My wife, sensing her mother was being ridiculed, butted in and
suggested that we both take a coupon and each buy half the flooring, thus
getting a 40% discount. Neither she nor her mother could spot the flaw in
this plan.
--
I was sitting in the lunchroom with a coworker, and he noticed a
"funny" pattern on one of his socks. He told me that his socks were the same
color, but the pattern of one was not right. He just couldn't figure
out what was wrong. I let him ponder the situation for five minutes and
then I informed him that he was wearing one sock inside out. He is our
director of quality.
--
I was shopping at a department store, and took my selection to the
cashier. She asked, "Did you find that ok?" I replied, "No, I'm still
looking for it."
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
Here now, more quotes from Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC field
operatives.
"A little pain never hurt anyone."
"Make sure you cross your p's and q's."
"Perception is 99% of the law."
"I hate to throw cold water on your bubble."
"I think you play a little harder when you can taste the light at the
end of the tunnel."
"The squeaky wheel is the one that makes the most noise."
"My arms were knee-deep in mud."
"That's not my bag of game."
"That's going to be a tough animal to crack."
"He could talk a dog's ass off the hind leg of a mule."
"...been chasing this rabbit for years and it finally came home to
roost."
"For this to work, you really have to be out there humping the bushes."
"Isn't leather made out of wood?"
"You know, I think the sun may be the biggest thing in the world."
"You're only smart on the outside."
"I am not the woman I used to be, and I never was!"
ASK DOGBERT
-----------
Dear Dogbert,
I work with a completely moronic and misogynistic son of a... Anyway,
he keeps checking my work in search of any mistakes so he can tell on
me. The problem is that I (as a member of DNRC) don't make any
noticeable mistakes whereas he, on the other hand, keeps messing up because he's
totally focused on my work. What can I do so he'll back off?
Ximena
Dear Eczema,
Go to a web site that features women in prison who are looking for
romance, and start writing to one of them using your coworker's name and
home address. Select a prisoner who is nearing parole for a violent crime
and then profess your undying (ironic) love for her. Then just wait.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
Is carrot cake considered a vegetable?
Amanda
Dear Aman-duh,
I don't know about the carrot cake, but you're getting pretty close
yourself.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dogbert,
I have a problem. My boss keeps assigning to other people the tasks
that would normally fall under my supervision. I'm starting to worry that
if something gets screwed up, it's going to get me in trouble with the
higher-ups. What should I do about it?
Josh
Dear Sloshed,
It's not generally called a "problem" when other people do the work for
which you are getting paid. But since you seem to be a whiner, I will
answer your question: You should take credit for the accomplishments of
those "other people" when they do good things, and you should complain
to your boss's boss when they screw up. Mention that your immediate
boss "might have a drinking problem." It's hard to disprove, and unless
he's saying the same thing about you, it helps your credibility.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
How should I handle creepy men that hit on me at work? Apparently they
all think I'm hot.
Heather
Dear Hotter,
Mr. Adams requested that he answer your question personally. He will
stop by your cubicle tomorrow. Say around lunchtime?
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
Someone I know keeps asking me if he can buy my soul. I've told him he
can't afford it, but he keeps hassling me. How should I respond?
Ronny
Dear Runny,
Give him a price. The great thing about souls is that no one knows what
one looks like. Odds are that your friend can't tell the difference
between your eternal essence and, for example, flatulence. If you put
either one in a sealed glass jar with a label that says "Ronny's Soul," who
is going to question it?
Sincerely,
Dogbert
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